Let’s begin with good news!

I had PET scan yesterday and all my lung mets have shrunk and have lower SUVs.

חַסְדֹּֽו׃ לְעֹולָ֣ם כִּ֖י טֹ֑וב כִּי־ לַיהוָ֣ה הֹוד֣וּ

Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good, for His mercy endureth forever. (from Psalm 136).

I still have more chemo, but I’ll get a break around thanksgiving.

Lisa and I went back east this weekend for my niece Sarah’s wedding. Everyone was there except Amy and Ed. We flew out Saturday and almost didn’t get on our flight because United downgraded the equipment and there weren’t enough seats. We had to get up at 02:30AM to leave by 03:30AM to get to the airport by 05:30AM to make a 06:30AM flight to Denver to connect to NY. I was a bit tired already so I threw a little hissy fit for the gate attendant and we were eventually given seats. Because I don’t have much nose hair I wore a surgical mask on the plane to minimize getting someone else’s germs (see my Facebook page for pictures). I came back healthy, so it must have done some good. We flew into Newark and took a cab up to my mom’s apartment. Lisa and I freshened up a bit and then we drove to a pizza restaurant for the rehearsal dinner. Ellen was navigating so it was a bit of an adventure. Fortunately it was still daylight so we managed to find the place. Of course my sister Paula and her husband Peter were there; they’re the parents of the bride. My older sister Andi and her husband Carl, and Mark, Maki, Hannah, and Charlotte, were also in attendance. It was good to see everyone and we had some good laughs. Life is fragile and I need to see everyone whenever I can.

Sunday, the day of the wedding, was a take it easy day. I hung out at the pool and read, my mom and Lisa crashed the bridesmaids’ hair and make-up session. They all had a good time together. Carl and Andi came by the hotel and drove Lisa, me and my mom to the wedding. The food was good, the band was great, but the groom’s brother and sister both made horrible speeches. They spent more time on themselves and when they spoke about Josh and Sarah it was to insult them. Too bad. Ruined what was otherwise a nice event. Lisa and I did some dancing, especially the funky chicken and the bovine rex (kudos to Rachel). Andi and Carl also tore it up, which was great considering how she’s felt lately.

Sarah and Josh also did something special, Rather than giving out table favors they made a donation to the Dana-Farber Cancer Center. I’m not sure how much anyone else thought of the gesture, but I was grateful and I’m sure Andi was also. As a side note, the animal experiments I did in grad school were done is the basement of Dana-Farber.

On Monday we started off with a brunch at the hotel. They had cheese and blueberry blintzes. Everyone said the pancake wasn’t thin enough, but they were way better than any blitzes’ I ever had in New Mexico (i.e. zero). After brunch we went back to my mom’s and Lisa and I took a bus to the city. We went to the MET and spent about 31/2 hours walking around. We took a bunch of silly self-portraits and pictures of ourselves with various pieces of art. Good times. I’ve posted them on my facebook page so look for them there. After the MET Lisa and I went to Central Park, where we took a short nap on the grass. We then went down to Little Italy. We first stopped at Frankie Cee’s Pizza (http://newyork.metromix.com/restaurants/italian/frankie-cees-pizzeria-little-italy/615659/content ) for some oysters and calamari. For dinner we went to Pellegrino’s (http://www.littleitalynyc.com/pellegrinos/ ). We started with some spinach ravioli and then Lisa had some snapper and I had some veal with roasted red peppers and mozzarella cheese. Good eats. It’s been a long time since I had any veal. I would recommend this place to anyone next time they’re in the City. Our trip home was long, but un-eventful. Lisa ran in to someone from church while we were in Phoenix waiting for our plane back to NM. That’s what happens when you live in a small town.

There is a New Testament story that goes as follows:

A man dies and goes to heaven where he meets Jesus. Jesus takes him by the arm and shows him the journey that was his life. The man sees two sets of foot prints and asks Jesus “Who belongs to the second set?” Jesus replies “Those are my footprints. I’ve always been by your side.” But then the man notices that at times along his path there are only one set of foot prints and he asks Jesus “Why did you abandon me?” Jesus then answers “I didn’t abandon you. That’s where I carried you.” G-d will always be by your side and get you through the hard times.

My PET scan doesn’t give me a cure, just more time, and that’s great. I don’t have a easy path for my remaining journey through life, but it’s the path that G-d has provided for me, and I know that He will be helping me on my journey. I know I can do it because “I won’t be afraid as long as G-d, Lisa, and my children are there to stand by me” (with thanks to Ben E. King, http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/standbyme/standbyme.htm).

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we’ll see
No I won’t be afraid, no I won’t be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin’, darlin’, stand by me, oh now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won’t cry, I won’t cry, no I won’t shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin’, darlin’, stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah

Whenever you’re in trouble won’t you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Darlin’, darlin’, stand by me-e, stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

שמע ישראל יהוה אלהינו יהוה אחד

G-d bless.

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers.

In my last post I asserted that courage was doing something in the face of your own fear. After this last round of chemo I don’t know if it’s all that cut and dried. Perhaps there are different types or different levels of courage?

I started thinking about this more on the way to my chemo appointment this past Wednesday. As I drove to the hospital and as I was walking in, the only thought in my head was that I really didn’t want to do this. Being on chemo is not a pleasant experience. Lisa and I talked about this a bit in the context of my current oncologist’s attitude toward making quality of life as her primary goal. I told Lisa that my oncologist’s attitude was that whatever I needed to get through the day was OK. This came about, because I took a Percocet the other day, not because of the pain, but because it would likely make me feel better. Lisa then came up with another house hold rule “Life is Too Short to Feel Like S**t”. Anyhow, I knew deep down I was going to go ahead with the chemo, in spite of my misgivings I had or my dread of feeling miserable for 4 or 5 days. But, as I’ve said before, “My worst day on chemo is still better than my best day dead”. Anyhow, the point is, that as I was walking in to the ATU it dawned on me that perhaps what I was doing did take some courage.

Chemo gets worse the more you do it. This past round (my 5^th since I’ve re-started) was the worst, in so far as its effects on me. Last round I had a couple of really good days, Wednesday and Thursday, and it didn’t affect me until Friday night and Saturday. By Sunday I was feeling pretty good. This round I never felt very good. I was dragging Wednesday through Saturday, fighting the gagging and the lack of energy. I pretty much spend much of Thursday through Saturday lying down most of the time. I kept having heartburn so I was taking all the anti-nausea meds I was prescribed as well as swallowing antacid stuff. Funny thing was that it didn’t affect my appetite. It of course affected my ability to cook, as I couldn’t stand up for very long before I felt like gagging. The only remedy seemed to be lying down. I felt so bad that I couldn’t even fulfill my mitzvoth (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mitzvoth) of daily prayers on Friday or Sabbath prayers on Saturday. Today I felt well enough to do my daily prayers, but I had to sit down after the Shema, because I just didn’t feel well. After I was done I grab a Percocet and the rest of the day so far has been better.

I still haven’t resolved the whole courage thing because I can’t help but wondering if it takes courage to do something, when you really don’t have choices. As bad as I felt this past round of chemo, I know that when I’m scheduled for the next round, I’ll go even though I know that means 4 days where I’ll be feeling miserable. I suppose you could say it takes courage to go when I know how badly I’ll feel from the side effects. And I also suppose that not going and giving up is a choice. So in that sense, perhaps going does take some courage. But I suspect it takes a lot less courage than not going?

How about my blog? I don’t have to write about what I’m going through, but I do. Does that take any courage on my part? I’m not sure, but I don’t think so. It’s a very cathartic experience for me, so it doesn’t entail any apprehension or fear or uncertainty on my part. Since my radiation and surgery I’ve lost any and all inhibitions about my situation. None of it is really that personal to me anymore and I’m more than willing to talk to anyone about it at any time. So from my seat I don’t feel like it takes any courage to write.

As I sit here I realize that sometime, hopefully not too soon, I’ll have to talk to my children. As I said in my first post, one of the reasons for writing is so my children will know I was thinking about them and what I went through because of their love for me. Having to sit down and talk to them is going to take a level of courage I’m not sure I possess. I can only pray that when I have to talk to them I can summon the courage to do so. It’s funny, because every day I pray to G-d to give my wife and children the courage, love, grace, and understanding to accept death as a part of life. But I myself am unsure I even have the courage to speak to them. I’m no better than the cowardly lion from the Wizard of OZ.

To my friends and family who are reading this I only ask for you to pray to G-d to give me courage I need.

שמע ישראל יהוה אלהינו יהוה אחד

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers.

In the last month or so my old friend Marc, who was the best man at my wedding, got in touch with through facebook. We haven’t spoken in something like 10 years. In the past week or so we’ve communicated a bit through e-mail and Google talk, but I just haven’t been able to summon the courage to call him. In thinking about this I contemplated various aspects of life and decided that life is too short to do certain things and to not do others. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I felt the need to compile a list. SO here goes…

Life is too short so you should –

• Not hold a grudge, especially against a family member. Everyone makes mistakes, so get over it. What could possibly so bad that you would voluntarily shut out you own flesh and blood from your life? Get some perspective. Everyone needs more perspective. Put yourself in my shoes for an instant. Wouldn’t you be sorry to leave this world and not have made amends?

• Not mess with people – I’m not advocating being a sheep or a lemming, but if people aren’t messing with you, don’t mess with them – however… if someone messes with you by all means attack with every weapon at your disposal and take no prisoners. Perhaps next time they’ll think twice before messing with someone. When I was at 29 Palms, I was on my way back from three days in the field and had a meeting I had to get to, so I had to stop at the dry cleaners to pick up a sports coat. Now, if you were a Marine you weren’t supposed to stop in town and go into a store wearing you utilities. I had on a set of camo utilities, but without the USMC over my breast pocket – i.e. it wasn’t an official uniform. Anyhow, I was standing in line when this middle age woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was a Marine. I instantly realized that she was just some Major’s wife or something looking to hassle some poor private. My uniform had no insignia, so if I was a Marine, I would have been the lowest private. So I turned to her and pointed to my pocket and said “It doesn’t say USMC on the pocket does it? Therefore I’m not a Marine and you should mind your own damn business!” She got this really shocked look on her face and slowly slinked away. I figured that the next time she saw some private in uniform where he/she wasn’t supposed to be, she’d think twice before hassling them. I like to think that I saved at least one Marine from some grief!

• Connect with old friends. I’m at this stage now. There are certainly people in my life that I’ve lost touch with, not for any particular reason, we just drifted away into the sea of life (is that too corny?). The part I’m struggling with is how to re-connect. When Marc got in touch with me, I told him to read my blog before we started to talk again. That’ll pretty much bring anyone I once knew up to speed on where my life is.

• Not say no to your kids. When you’re busy its easy say no to your child when they come over to you and ask for some help or to take them to the park. I wasn’t always willing to not say no (double negative). But things have changed; however I still have to fight the no urge. But, there is nothing that I can possibly be doing, that I can’t put it down, to spend time with my wife or kids. This past Saturday I was busy with stuff around the house – putting new brake pads on the suburban, putting furniture together, etc. I planned to do more stuff, when Lisa and the kids said they were going to go to the pool. My initial thought was that I’d stay home and do some more work. Then I thought about it and I overcame the no urge and we all went to the pool and had a great time. Life is too short to say no!

• Look up at the stars. Take the time to marvel at G-d’s creations. I always go outside at night to look at the stars and marvel or sit outside early in the morning and listen to the birds. Of course here in Los Alamos we see lots of stars. I also find myself marveling at the wonderful NM landscape when I’m driving somewhere. Just take the time to soak in the world around you and enjoy what’s been created. Even if you’re in the middle of a big city, there still plenty to see and admire. Just take the time to look. Don’t be so busy that you let it all pass you by.

• Communicate with your wife and kids. It’s hard for me to verbalize my feelings and thoughts. Hence this blog. It’s my way of communicating with my wife and letting her know what I’m going through. When I told my friend Marc I didn’t have the courage to call him right now, he remarked that he thought I was the most courageous person he knew. I don’t think of it that way. If I had courage I’d be able to look my wife in the eye and tell her what I feel and what I’m going through. My blog is the coward’s way out. I don’t look at dealing with my situation as requiring a lot of courage. I just think of myself as being pragmatic. It wouldn’t do me any good to whine or complain or lament my fortune. I just want to live my life as normally as possible. That doesn’t take courage. What takes courage is going into a fire fight to save your comrade knowing it may get you killed. That’s real courage – overcoming your fear. I don’t need courage, because I’m not afraid. Why am I not afraid? Because I’ve found peace.

• Eat well. Since I’ve been on my latest round of chemo I’ve probably gained 5 pounds. Usually most people go the other way, but I’ve been enjoying the food! I have some weeks (especially during chemo) where I can’t go into the kitchen, but the rest of the time I like to cook. For example on Saturday I make Mu Shi chicken and eggplant with Chinese eggplants from Lisa’s garden. Last night I made salmon on the grill, tomato, cucumber, and feta cheese salad, and some rice pilaf. Tonight we had grilled baby back ribs, tomato, cucumber, and feta cheese salad, and some Spanish rice. Sure we eat fast food sometimes, but I like cooking better. I’m looking forward to our trip back east for my nieces wedding. I’m salivating just thinking about that pastrami sandwich!

• Do little things for the love of your life. For too long I probably took Lisa for granted. Not anymore. As I said in a previous post, she’s my moral rudder. Without her looking after me, I couldn’t go through what I have to. We were helping set up the arena for some pony club lessons and some ratings on Saturday, she went back to the car to get some gloves and while I was waiting I picked her a small sunflower. It’s the small things that count sometimes.

• Get in touch with G-d. For many years I was at best agnostic and at worst an atheist. Not anymore. Most people would be very pessimistic in my circumstances and think “If there is a god why did he do this to me?” I don’t see it that way. Especially since my diagnosis of metastases I have a different view. Life seems to have really come into focus for me with respect to what’s important and allow me to re-connect with the faith I was taught at my Bar Mitzvah. When I conduct my morning prayers there is serenity about what I’m doing that I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. I try and concentrate solely on my prayers, which at times is difficult, as thoughts of life creep in. But that’s my goal; total focus on the moment. When I get to the Shema, I almost never get through it without some tears coming to my eyes. It almost as if it was G-d’s design for me to have cancer so I would discover my faith and become a better human being. If that’s what it took, then I’m OK with that. I’ve found peace.

שמע ישראל יהוה אלהינו יהוה אחד

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers

My last few posts haven’t really focused too much on my health or how my chemo has been going so I thought it time to give an update on that score.

Last week I finished my fourth round of chemo; my third up in LA. This last round was also the first time I’ve had the Folfiri along with avastin (http://www.chemocare.com/bio/avastin.asp). The initial IV went OK. I seem to be able to take all the pre-treatment without much side-effects. I actually took some work in with me and for the first 2 ½ hours did some QC work on some sediment data for a project I’m working on. After they start the irinotecan I do OK, but after awhile it starts make me feel funny. I get clammy, and I all I want to do is sleep. For lunch I had the chef special – some Mexican food. What else do you expect in a NM hospital? When I got home around 13:30 I didn’t feel like doing much except lying down on the couch in my office. Lisa later told me I looked kind of yellow. By about 16:30 or so I started to feel better. By dinner time I was really wired. I was so wired that I didn’t get to sleep until very early AM. Lisa’s mom was visiting and said I was being very animated and funny all evening.

The next day I woke up feeling pretty good even though I didn’t get much sleep. I went to work and put in a full day. After dinner that night I worked some more until the early AM again. Don’t know why, but I was pretty wired all day. I seemed to crash a bit on Friday. I did OK, but the energy level of the previous day had abated. Once again when they disconnected me and pushed some drugs into my port I got the fumes and bad taste in the back of my mouth. It made me gag so bad I actually spit up a little. The rest of Friday was OK. Not super energetic or feeling too bad, but not too great either. Saturday was a different story…

I woke up Saturday feeling good, but it didn’t last. Almost immediately after coffee and breakfast I started gagging any time I moved too fast, so I laid down. Then, every time I tried to get up I would start gagging again. Rachel had her first open horse event on Saturday and I wanted to go, but every time I stood up I gagged. Finally, around 10:30, or so, I felt good enough to try and shower. I didn’t gag at all while showering, so Pat and I drove out to the horse event to meet Lisa, Stefan, and Lisa’s mom to watch Rachel. Natalie was on her way to Denver to go to a Green Day concert so she wasn’t around.

Rachel did great. She was the youngest person in her group by at least two years and some of the other riders appeared to be in their 30′s or 40′s. Her horse, Better Than A Boyfriend (aka Prancer) refused the second jump during the arena event, but Rachel took it in stride. She circled him around and just as he got to the jump she gave him a good whack on the rump with her crop. They completed the remainder of the course without incident. After that we all sat around for a quick lunch. The plan was to watch her in the cross country, but the heat was getting to me, and after my morning gagging, I was starting to feel bad again, so Pat, Stefan, and I went home. We missed the cross country portion, but Rachel again did well and was nonplused when BTAB again refused a jump. She ended up finishing 5^th out of 8 riders. The three lower placed riders were all DQ’d because they were thrown from their horses. Everyone came away very impressed by her poise and competitive attitude. Among her peers, she is far and away the most competitive of the bunch. We’ll see where all this takes her.

Pain memory is funny thing. As I sit here writing this, trying to recall events, it is hard to recall some of it. I think this is clearly one of the better defense mechanisms that G-D has provided for us. The other observation I should make is that when I’m feeling lousy I just want to be by myself to deal with my own misery. I know that when my family is around, they suffer with me, and they want to help me somehow, but I find it much harder when anyone tries to help or be with me. I just don’t want them to see me like that. It’s easier for me to just shut the door, suck it up, and come out of my room when I’m feeling well enough to participate in life around the house again. I’m sure that if I could let them in when I’m hurting it would ease their pain (Field of Dreams anyone?), but I just can’t handle the attention. Perhaps at some time I’ll get to the point where I can share my pain with them, so they don’t suffer so much, but I’m not there yet. I think this is why I always go to chemo by myself. Lisa always offers to take me, but I can’t bring myself to let her see me dealing with it. There may come a time when I don’t have a choice, but for now I do, and until then I Am A Rock (apologies to Simon and Garfunkel).

I am scheduled for one more round of chemo next week and then I have a PET/CAT scan scheduled for the 9^th of September. I’m feeling really good these days (except for chemo) so I’m hoping for good news. If I hadn’t had a PET scan showing the tumors and a biopsy confirming they were metastases’, I wouldn’t know I was sick by the way I feel. The plus side to all this is that life seems to be much more intense. It seems that almost no matter what’s going on I appreciate everything around me more and it all seems much more vivid.

Today was the first Sabbath since I started doing my daily prayers (I’ll exclude last Saturday because of the way I felt) and I did my allotted torah reading (Parashat Shoftim); in English of course. It’s near the end of the year so we’re in Deuteronomy and that means the laws. The reading was about making sure the King didn’t have too much power and how the army should be handled. Given the joker we have in the White House, it seems prophetic.

Later in the day we all went to the pool and had a blast. I really enjoy and cherish these times we spend together as family. For most people having an afternoon at the pool is probably no big deal, but for me it was better than anything else I could have done today. It’s still strange being in the water and being able to see. One thing I realized today is that when you’re under water everything is really blurry. Having only been able to go under water without glasses, I never realized everyone else can’t see under water either! I just thought it was me.

I Am A Rock!

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers.

I took an extra week off from chemo so Patrick, Stefan and I could go down to Ft. Stanton for a living history weekend. Based on previous rounds, I knew that if I stuck with the every other week schedule, that I probably wouldn’t be very functional on Saturday. Hence, the extra week off.

We decided to go down in the Aveo. We put the tent poles and the cots on the roof rack and stuffed everything else inside; including Patrick, Stefan, and myself. When we got down to Ft. Stanton we pulled up to the curb where the company street was set up and unloaded the car. People though they were at the circus when they saw our little car and the pile of stuff next to it. They couldn’t believe it all fit! I should have taken a picture.

The title of this entry is related to my decision to do an impression of a non-English speaking German Jew who has just joined the 1s NMVI. I put together a bunch of phrases and commands to use while I pretended not to understand anything said to me in English “Ich verstehe nich, herr Hauptman”. So Pat and I spend a couple of weeks before the event putting together phrases and commands in German. Pat actually put a small manual of arms in German together. It was all pretty amusing. The funniest part was the Saturday morning flag raising. I was only using my limited German, giving Capt Shoemaker a hard time, when one of the spectators started speaking German to me. All I could answer was “Ich Sprechen nicht Deustch”. Busted!!! Shoemaker thought that was the funniest part of the whole impression. Oh well. Who would have thought I would run into someone who spoke German in August at Ft Stanton, NM????

One of the good things to come out of my German Jew impression is that I went through the ritual of daily prayers on Sunday morning. When I decided to do this, I thought that it would be sacrilegious to just pretend, so I did a lot of research on the right way to do daily prayers and put on my tzitzit (aka Tallit) and Tefillin. I dug up my Uncle Eli’s daily prayer book which I found in his apartment after he passed away (May he Rest in Peace). I took it because I figured anyone else who found would just throw it away. The book is the daily prayers after the customs of the Polish and German Jews. It is not dated, but it was published in Austria; so it certainly pre-dates the war. In addition to the prayers for the Tallit and Tefillin I added the full Shema to my prayers, along with David’s Psalm of Thanks and the Thirteen Fundamental Articles of Faith. Having gone through the daily prayers at home before the event as well as at the event itself, I have taken to my daily prayers every morning (except the Sabbath). I’m still working on the best way to observe the Sabbath. I am sure the experts would take some objection to my daily prayers at home, but I’m doing the best I can, and I know G-d sees and accepts my prayers with the sincerity and devotion with which they are offered.

The living history was fun. I was drafted into being part of a firing squad to execute a deserter. Mike was the deserter and his brother Fred was on the firing squad with me. We had to execute Mike every 15 minutes for about two hours. The first few times Fred and I played it pretty straight, but we got punchy after awhile and started to ham it up. At first we just discussed taking his shoes, but then Mike started squirming after he was shot so we took to bayoneting him. During one of the bayoneting sequences, I stuck him between the legs and put my bayonet through the inside of his pant leg near his crotch. Good thing it was cold out. As the night passed Fred and I then started to argue about who had the best shot. For example Mike “That hole between his eyes was my shot”, me “NO it wasn’t, you just put that hole in his pant leg. The shot between his eyes was mine”. You get the idea. Of course we were doing this for an audience of 15-20 people. Hopefully they appreciated our humor. As an outcome of firing my musket with the bayonet on, and I’m sure as Karma for putting a hole in Mike’s pants, I lost my bayonet lug/front sight. It must have gotten loose, because I didn’t notice it until Pat put us through bayonet drill on Saturday. I found a replacement online for $5.50 and Greg said he could silver solder it back on.

Saturday, Patrick got drafted by the Calvary to learn how to saddle and ride a horse. He spent about an hour or two learning how to take off and put on an authentic civil war Cavalry saddle and learning how to ride. He was a bit sore, but he learned a lot and had a good time. Stefan mostly spent the day catching bugs. We also did a battle against the Calvary on Saturday afternoon. It was mostly a running road fight. Not too big or complicated, but we got to burn some powder and we all enjoyed it.

Once the living history was over, a bunch of the guys, including Patrick, march in the Lincoln Western Days Parade. It was too hot for me, so Stefan and I just walked along the side with the company to make sure everyone had water.

Once the parade was over, Pat, Stefan, and I got a tour of the Ft. Stanton cave. Pat and Mike (different Mike from above) made the tour with their uniforms on. A lady, Kim, dressed in her period costume also came along. Mike figures it was the first time in one hundred years that a woman in a dress went into the cave. Pat and I had been in the cave before with Mike, but it was Stefan’s first time. He loved it! It’s an experience that I am sure he will talk about the rest of his life. I posted some photos on my facebook page. We found some civil war era graffiti as well as one from March 07, 1907, from some guy from Norway. Mike thinks he was probably a tuberculosis patient from back in the day when the Fort was used as a sanitarium. Mike invited the whole family down for a more extensive tour and we might just take him up it!

The weekend was great. We all had a good time and more than a few laughs. And that’s the point!

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers.

Lisa posted a few of her favorites, which I whole heartedly agree with, so I am making some additions in part 2.

The Godfather (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068646/ ). Clearly a classic in everyone’s book.  The horse head scene put almost as much fear into you as the shower scene from psycho. Now not only didn’t you want to shower, but now you were scared of what you would wake up next to! My last year as a camper we went to see the Godfather when it had been raining for a couple of days and everyone was going stir crazy. After the movie, we organized into informal families and we had a gang war going for a couple of days and we ‘executed’ various members of the other families. Noting like Sonny at the toll booth, but we had fun.

Forrest Gump (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109830/ ). This is such a great movie on so many levels. Forrest had more sechel than people with twice his IQ. It’s probably easier to see right from wrong when your head isn’t busy trying to justify something you should know isn’t right. Loyalty, honesty, and sincerity will take you farther among your fellow man than any number of degrees or endless rationalizations. A few years ago we went back east over thanksgiving and had to stop over in Atlanta to change planes. It’s a huge airport and needless to say it was very crowded with people traveling for the holiday. There we were sitting at the gate and the kids, especially Natalie, Rachel, and Stefan are getting bored. So they started playing follow the leader in and amongst all the human traffic. Natalie is in the lead and all of a sudden she starts running stiff legged across the main though fare running between all these people towards the opposite gate shouting “run Forrest, run”. Lisa and I just about fell out of our chairs and peed in our pants we laughed so hard. Needless to say it also brought smiles to the faces of many travelers. It got a little out of hand when they then started to walk around on their knees saying “Lt. Dan, Lt. Dan”. Hilarious.

Lawrence of Arabia (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056172/ ). What an epic. Another film my parents took me to see in a major theatre in NYC when I was young. As I think about it, it seems like I was raised during a golden period of movies in the US and my parents did their best to take us to as many of them as they could afford. The second time I saw this movie was after it had been restored and re-released in the late 80’s. Lisa and I had only been dating a short time and we went to one of the few classic style movie theaters remaining in the DC area. We watched it from the balcony. Absolutely breathtaking. A movie that must be seen on the large screen. It certainly made me want to ride a camel across the desert at top speed. After  we moved to LA we found out that our neighbor had also seen the movie at about the same time we had – twenty years before we would ever get to know him. Small world.

Apollo 13 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112384/ ). Another movie best seen on the big screen. You just can’t capture the visual and aural intensity of the launch scene on TV at home. I took Patrick to see this in the dollar theatre after it had been out awhile. I resisted seeing the movie when it first came out because I looked at it as something I had watched real time on the news when I was 13. I thought “what’s the point of going to see a movie about something I watched it as it happened”. But it’s a movie you can watch over and over again. Whenever it’s on TV I always think about sitting in the theatre watching it with Patrick. He was only about 5, and we got there a little late, so we could only get seats in front. I remember both of us sitting there, straining our necks to look up at the screen during the launch sequence. It almost felt like you were there. This is one of those movie plots that if it hadn’t really happened, you might have walked out of the theatre shaking your head saying what BS, that could never happen. Once again, the truth is stranger than fiction.

Mart Poppins (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058331/ ). I was a first grader when this came out. I remember going to see this with my sisters and the theatre was so crowded we couldn’t sit together. What little boy didn’t want Julie Andrews for his nanny? Of course having four kids, I’ve watched this movie many times with the kids. It never gets old or stale. It wasn’t until I had watched it a number of times as a father that the message finally sank in. You can’t ever be too busy that you can’t go fly a kite with the kids.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082971/ ). Still the best of the Indian Jones movies. This came out my first year in grad school and I remember seeing it with my buddy Danny. On the big screen, the opening screen when the big ball is chasing him down the tunnel probably ranks as one of the best action scenes I have ever seen. Again, it is one of those movie scenes that must be experienced on the big screen. Danny and I were so taken by it we went back and saw it a second time a few days later. I’ve never done that before or since. The kids of course have seen the movie more than a few times. I just wish they would put it back on the large screen so they could really see it in all its glory. The only Indiana Jones movie they’ve seen on the big screen was the last one a few years ago. The sequels just can’t hold a candle to the original.

Fantasia (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0032455/ ). I don’t think Walt realized his contribution to the drug culture that he made with this movie. I wish I could talk more about it, but I just don’t remember too much, other than dancing hippos. You didn’t even have to bring anything of own when this movie was re-released when I was in high school. You just had to sit in your seat and inhale deeply. Far out man.

I think this is more than enough for now. Each movie has its own memories and that’s what makes them special for me. They’re all good flicks in their own right, but it’s those memories that put them on my A list.

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers.

I’m not writing this as a critic, I’ll leave that to my little sisters bother-in-law, but I discussed ‘Field of Dreams’ in a recent post and made a allusion to ‘Lilies of the Field’ in my prayer post, so I thought a discussion of my favorite movies might be in order.

I don’t think a lot of us realize how much some movies affect our lives and our culture. I know I use scenes and dialogue from movies a lot.  For example there’s the bridge keeper from ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’. He’s not Tim, it’s TIMMM! I can’t hear that name without thinking of that scene. Anyhow, I thought I would present and discuss some of my favorite movies, in no particular order.

Lilies of the Field. ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057251/ ). I first saw this movie when I was about 9 or 10 years old at summer camp. It’s 1966 or 1967, here I am at a Jewish summer camp, in New York state, run by a socialist Yiddish organization, and they’re showing a movie about an itinerant black Baptist who stops on his travels to help a bunch of escaped East German Catholic nuns built a chapel. You gotta love it. There’s the part in the movie where Sidney Poitier sings the AAAmen gospel song and we as campers took that to heart. I went to summer camp from 1966 at age 9 until 1972 when I was 15. The group of boys and girls I went to camp with changed somewhat over time but the core remained constant. After seeing the movie, whenever we left camp as a group, as soon we passed under the camp sign on the way out, we always broke out singing the AAAmen song. And remember, nicht amen, AAAmen. For prosperity (http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=9612&messages=41) :

See the Baby… (Amen)
Wrapped’ in the manger… (Amen)
On Christmas Morning’… (Amen Amen, Amen)

See Him at the Temple…
Talkin’ with the elders…
Who marveled at his wisdom!

See Him at the riverside …
Talkin’ to the fishermen…
And makin’ them disciples!…

First He came a preachin’…
Then He came a teachin’…
Tellin’ them disciples…

See Him in the garden…
Talkin’ to the Father
In deepest sorrow…

Went before Pilate…
Then they crucified Him…
But He rose on Easter!…

‘Field of Dreams’ ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097351/ ). I’ve already discussed this movie in a previous post. The end when his father shows up to play catch always makes me tear up. What I wouldn’t give…

‘Grand Prix’ ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060472/ ). Best racing movie of all time. I saw this at a theater in New York City when I was 9 years old. It was on a 70 mm wide screen so we got the full impact. As a young kid it made a very lasting impression. As my wife and kids know, because they can’t understand how I can watch motor racing on the Speed Channel. These days the images are everyday shots sent via pencil size cameras from the cars, but back in 1966 the images were extraordinary. Even though we can see these images today every time we turn on the TV, the montages that John Frankenheimer put together still thrill me today. The story wasn’t much, but who cares, it was all about the racing.

‘Cool Hand Luke’ (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061512/). This was another film I saw at summer camp. I like to think that Luke is a smart ass somewhat like me; I just don’t have his good looks. Whenever I see this movie I can’t help but think “but for the grace of God go I”. There are lots of twists and turns in one’s life and we don’t always make the correct or moral or right decisions. And while I’ve made my share of mistakes, I have been blessed that they didn’t turn out too bad and that I have ended up where I am today. My best decision was Lisa because without her moral compass who knows…

‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’ (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071853/ ).  Run Away! This movie came out when I first went to college, but I didn’t really get into it until grad school. I remember being in lab and reciting dialogue with my lab mates. One of the guys in my research group was named Tim. However, because of the movie, it was never just Tim, but TIM! Good times. The guys in my research group during the two main years we were together were a unique bunch. We were all very different, but the intellectual process was absolutely pure. We all just wanted to do good chemistry, so we all helped each other without reservation. I guess in a way we thought of ourselves as being on a quest for the Holy Grail. Sometimes we were even funnier. Good times. I’ve watched this movie with the kids and Stefan especially loves it. I’m glad I got to watch this with the kids.

‘The Longest Day’( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056197/ ). This movie came out in 1962 and I remember seeing it as kid, so I must have been very young. The stars in this movie are just a who’s who, from John Wayne to Henry Fonda to Richard Burton and Sean Connery and Red Buttons. What a cast. It’s certainly a movie that glorifies the war, but in a way is a fitting tribute to the men who fought. This is true especially in the light shown on the D-Day landings in ‘Saving Private Ryan’ (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120815/ ). I doubt I could have done it.

‘Band of Brothers’ (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0185906/ ). More of a mini-series than movie, it’s still a fascinating watch. How those guys survived is amazing. It all comes down to leadership. And until you’ve been under fire, you can’t tell who the real leaders are. It’s certainly not just those that have stars on their shoulders or who are elected by the masses. A leader is made under “combat conditions”, it’s not the person who makes the best speeches or has the witty rhetoric. This country is starting to realize this. Stalin, Mao, Hitler, and Mussolini all came in to power because the people wanted change and were willing to put the power in the hands of a person who promised change. I am hopeful we don’t go down that path.

There are plenty more movies I could discuss, but this will have to suffice. Perhaps my readers can recommend some of their own and we can get together and watch them.

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers.

Today was a great day. They’re all great days; some are just harder than others.

I had phone conference for a new project this morning that went well. But a voice in my head kept telling me that there was something I had to do on Wednesday, but I couldn’t remember what it was.

After my phone conference I went to Santa Fe to get an estimate on the hail damage to the Aveo. Big $$$. After that I went to Best Buy to return/replace Rachel’s MP3 player. It was two months since I bought it, but they swapped it anyway (they have a 30-day policy). I spent $10 for a 2-year replacement plan so it wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t mind since they were nice enough to swap. Smart business. But a voice in my head kept telling me that there was something I had to do on Wednesday, but I couldn’t remember what it was.

Got home and worked for awhile until about 17:30 when I got a note that I needed to call someone regarding a project. Made the call and it turns out that I had done a bunch of calculations based upon a set of data that the state changed, so I re-did it. The call was that the State had changed their mind and I have to go back and re-re-do it. But a voice in my head kept telling me that there was something I had to do on Wednesday, but I couldn’t remember what it was.

Well…during the call I said that since tomorrow was Wednesday, I could probably get the changes done by Friday. I was then told that TODAY WAS WEDNESDAY! I guess that explains the nagging voice in my head. Oh… and now I remember what it was I needed to do: get an estimate on the Aveo and exchange Rachel’s MP3 player.

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers.

I had my second chemo treatment up in LA last Wednesday. The difference this time was that we tried avastin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bevacizumab). We tried it once before during my original post-op chemo, but I reacted badly to it (gastrointestinal distress) so we didn’t continue. In talking to my past and current oncologists we decided to start me off on half the therapeutic dose to see how I handled it. It was the first drug in my IV sequence, followed by the leucovorin (aka ‘Folinic acid’, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folinic_acid), then irinotecan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irinotecan), and finally the 5FU (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluorouracil) via the pump. The avastin IV started about 0900 and lasted about 90 minutes, then about 30-60 minutes for the leucovorin, and then 90 minutes for the irinotecan. So at lunch time I was into the IV irinotecan. Lunch was steak fajita. With about 30 minutes to go (approximately 30 minutes after lunch) I up chucked; nothing serious, just some fluids over about a 5 minute period. It’s just that I never really threw up before. I didn’t feel terribly nauseous, but all of sudden I was chucking. I stayed until around 14:00 by which time I was feeling better, but I had them give me a script for some anti-nausea medicine just in case.

The biggest pain during this round was just dragging the pump. I did OK Thursday and Friday and got a lot of work done. Got disconnected Friday around 11:00 and had a good rest of the day. Saturday was a bit up and down. I was doing OK during the day, but started to really drag in the afternoon. The girls did some volunteer work at the church on Weds, Thurs, Fri, and Sat morning, so there was a dinner for the participants at the church Saturday night. We decided to go to 18:00 mass and then the dinner. I had a hard time during mass because all I wanted to do was lie down and sleep. I made it thru mass and then the dinner. By the time I got home I felt better and was wide awake – just in time for bed! It was worth the effort because I wanted to let the girls know that their effort was appreciated. If I had known how hard it was going to be for me I might have stayed home, but that would have been the easy way out. I’m glad we went as a family to support the girls.

As to the title of this entry…

Over the years I have probably watched ‘Field of Dreams’ with Kevin Costner at least half a dozen times on TV, but I never saw the first half-hour. I always seemed to have found it surfing, so it was already playing when I came across it. Well last week, I guess because it was the all star break, they had it on and I finally caught the beginning.  Costner should just make baseball movies (like Field of Dreams or Bull Durham) because all of his other movies stink (Water World comes to mind). I digress. The part that always gets to me is the end when his Father shows up and they have a catch. I can’t imagine anyone not wishing his father back, even if for a short while, just to have one more catch. As I said in my post ‘My Fathers Son’ I have very vivid memories of having a catch with my dad. Near the end of ‘Field of Dreams’ James Earl Jones talks about people remembering their youth and ‘The memories will be so thick, they’ll have to brush them away from their faces.’ (the whole sceen can be found here: http://www.americanrhetoric.com/MovieSpeeches/moviespeechfieldofdreams.html). Those are the memories I have of playing catch with a baseball or football with my dad. When I think about that, it’s almost like we’ve just finished, and I’m having something to drink waiting for my dad to come by and say ‘nice job’. In a way this is my father’s immortality – my memories of throwing around the pig skin or a baseball.

I wonder what memories my children will cherish.

I have been trying extra hard to be around and spend time with each of them.

I suspect Patrick will remember all of our re-enacting experiences and the times we charged the confederates and died gloriously.

Natalie will probably remember our soccer together. Man we sure spent a lot of time together the last three years going to Santa Fe and Albuquerque for games.

I’m not so sure about Rachel and Stefan. Maybe I need to spend more time with Rachel at the stables. Perhaps a few fishing trips with Stefan. So much to do — so little time.

I just hope that however they remember me; it’s a memory “so thick, they’ll have to brush it away from their faces’.

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers.

It is now two posts since I promised in My Hero to provide an update on our hectic life. Well here goes…

As I noted in the “My Hero” post I went through my second round of chemo from 7/08 to 7/10. It was my first round up in LA and it’s nicer than Santa Fe because there are separate rooms and fewer people. It’s only around 5 minutes from the house, so there is much less wear and tear: physically and emotionally. During the IV phase on Weds I got really cold and clammy. I was given a sedative in the hopes I would just sleep through it. After the IV was done I stayed for a little bit and then was able to make it home.

When I got home things really started happening.

I felt like krap and apparently so did Lisa. She was having some really bad stomach pains and nothing she did or medicine she took made any differences. I got home around 13:00 or 13:30. At about 15:00 Patrick finally convinced Lisa to go to the emergency room. I was in no condition to help so I stayed home with the rest of the kids. She was in so much pain that the morphine they gave her wasn’t doing any good so they went to the diladin. They took her in for x-rays/CAT scan and after further examination, decided she needed to have her appendix out. Holy !@#$ Batman!!! However this wasn’t until 21:00. I talked to her and she told me the surgery was scheduled for Thursday morning.

When I woke up on Thursday I wasn’t feeling that great, but managed to call Lisa around 09:00. She was already out of surgery by then! The kids and some friends all went to see her, but I was still dragging and didn’t have the energy to visit. Friday morning Lisa was ready to come home, so I went to get her. Given what she had just went through she was doing great. So we wheeled her out to the car and I drove her home. As soon as I got her settled I went back to the ATU and got disconnected from the chemo pump. Then I went home again and took care of Lisa as best I could.

I decided to give her some peace at home so the kids and I all went out geocaching. We went to cave of the winds where there were some clues written on the cave walls. It was a hard hike up and I was out of breath a lot. However we forgot to take the clue sheet with us so we went to the cave mouth and called Lisa. She read us the clues and from those we were able to determine the cache coordinates – or so we thought! Coming down was much easier. Perhaps going geocaching the morning after being disconnected wasn’t the best idea, but the kids had a good time and Lisa enjoyed the quiet.

The coordinates we calculated sent us back to the car and over past the main LANL gate. This in and of itself should have clued me in to some bad calculations on our part, but I guess my brain was still in chemo recovery mode and wasn’t working too well. So…we drove towards the back gate as our GPS directed us, banged a u-turn right before the guard gate and went about a mile up the road and parked. Pat and I got out of the car and he took the GPS and went searching while I waited by the side of the road. Well it wasn’t long before the LANL security pulled up to find out what I was doing. I explained what was going and he pointed out we were trespassing and had to leave. I called out to Pat and he came back up to the road and we left without finding anything. I think its pretty clear we got the clues wrong! Maybe we’ll try again soon.

By Sunday Lisa and I were both feeling better. I felt good enough to take the kids to church, although Lisa needed to stay home. By the afternoon she was feeling good enough for both of us to take everyone to the pool. It was my first time at the pool this year. It was also the first time I have been at the pool and in the water since I got my intraocular implants. Whoa!!! Being able to see in the pool without glasses was really cool.

It was a rough week but we all got through it. I think that with all we’ve been through the last few years, we all seem to be a little emotionally numb when it comes to stuff like this. In one sense it’s good because it gets us through it, on the other hand I think we loose some site of the risks we’ve come through and we really need to appreciate how lucky we are.

Till next time, good luck and keep fighting. Cheers.